As you may know, out of our six cats we have no lap cats. Not a single one likes to sit quietly on your lap and be pampered and petted and hugged. You'd think that out of six cats, each with their own distinct personality that just one would allow us to pick them up, put them in our laps, and then pet, pet, pet them. Wouldn't most cats be totally blissed out by a willing lap and petting hands?
No, none of ours will allow themselves to be put on a lap.
Let's start with the oldest. Pepper likes to be petted, but only when you have walked in the door with grocery bags or are on your way in from a bike ride and need to get to the bathroom FAST. She will meow her welcoming oh I'm so glad you are home because now you can pet me meow and expect you to get down on the floor at her level and pet pet pet her but don't get too close to my back end because I don't like to be petted near my tail and when I am done being petted I will let you know by snarling at you and biting you.
Then Harri, who DOES NOT like to be picked up and will come up to you like she wants to be petted but will then run away as soon as you extend your hand. DON"T TOUCH ME! She will get up on Keith's chest, never his lap, when he is fully extended in the recliner position on the couch, and allow him to pet her then. Of course she likes to do the kneading thing with her paws on his chest while being petted, causing him to wince as each little claw digs into his chest.
And Bear. She loves to be petted but always wants more more more and wants you to rub her face in a certain way and if you don't do it right will remind you with little nips of her incredibly sharp teeth that you AREN'T DOING IT RIGHT! It's along the side of my jaw in very rapid movements please. And don't even think about picking me up, I'll grab onto the couch, floor, your leg, or whatever is handy with my claws if you try and pick me up and then my claws will get stuck in the couch, floor, your leg, or whatever and you'll have to try and extricate them while I am now in a huge panic because my claws are stuck.
Buddy likes to be petted, but only when you are trying to get a cup of coffee or working on the computer or trying to fix dinner or any other activity that doesn't directly involve him. Trying to read a magazine at the table? I will climb onto the table and insert myself in between you and your magazine and stare into your face until you agree to pet me. And if you don't pet me right I'll bite you too. Sitting on the toilet? Captive audience there, and the perfect time for you to pet me. I might sit next to you on the couch or behind you on the back of the couch, but again, NO LAPS!
Lucy is little Miss Haughty and actually gets up and moves somewhere else if you try to pet her when she doesn't want to be petted. She also prefers her pets when you are trying to fix dinner or go to the bathroom. I will let you pick me up but you have to walk around the house while you are holding me so that I can look around and get a different perspective on things. And then when I am done PUT ME DOWN NOW!
Mimi is about the only one that will let you pet her on your terms, not hers, but she will only sit on your shoulders, never ever on your lap, and never ever in your arms. If you pick me up I will head for your shoulders and ride around on you as you go about your business, whacking you in the face with my tail and drooling on your shoulder because I love you so much. She likes to surprise you with a jump from the floor onto your shoulders, usually when you least expect it, and if she doesn't quite make it onto your shoulders she will leave long claw marks in your back as she's trying to HOLD ON I DIDN'T QUITE MAKE IT ONTO YOUR SHOULDERS!
Like what happened yesterday when I was standing at my work table working on something and next thing I know I have a Mimi clawing her way down my back because she didn't leap quite far enough. And it hurt. I'm really surprised I wasn't gushing blood all down my back. I yelled so loud that she went and hid for a while and didn't try the leaping thing again for the rest of the day.
Now, if I didn't WANT a cat that would sit in my lap I'm sure every single one of them would be lap cats.